Three months…that is how long it has been.
Ninety days of living without mom and depression, the fifth stage of grief has finally reared its head and engulfed me. And all you feel is an emptiness that seems like a bottomless pit.
If I am being honest with myself, I never thought losing mom would affect me this much. I have always been a daddy’s girl my entire life! When he passed away 22 years ago, my world did come to a standstill. It felt as if they had forgotten to bury me along with him. And it took me ages to get over the grief. I do not know if I would have survived that phase in my life without the help of my college friends. There were days when they would come back from class to find me curled up and crying and numb. And a year or so later, Freddy came into the picture and I learnt to centre myself around him. I still remember introducing him to my gang and one of them immediately pointing out “Your smile is back, Linu!”
22 years later, I have Freddy by my side, two beautiful children and a dog. You think you are better prepared this time around, to face whatever shitstorm life throws at you. Yet, nothing prepares you for the scale of grief that sets in. And you realize your mom had been playing the role of both mom and dad all these years. And suddenly you are left with such a huge void that you do not know how to navigate. And you have to deal with folks saying it will get better. And you feel like screaming at them that it never gets better. Trust me, I know. I have been through this hell with dad. You just learn to hide your pain better. In fact, I carry my grief with me wherever I go.
To mom, I know you are finally reunited with dad and you would want me to let go and start living again. For you of all people know, I have been in a state of limbo for a couple of years dreading this very moment. I promise I will, but I think I just need a bit more time. A bit more time to figure out having to live in a world that doesn’t have you in it and a bit more time to learn to look at the love we shared with wonder and not grief. Until then…
